Beginning to End

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***This blog has been a draft for a few weeks. I didn’t know how to finish it. I also didn’t want to come near this one either, but if I’m supposed to be real on here, I guess it will be published.

Looking back at this now, I wonder how it ever got to this point.

I say I wonder, but I know everything that has happened.

From beginning to end, I know it all. More than anyone.

Don’t get me wrong. Majority of it was really good. Everything in the beginning.

It’s sad because I believed and allowed myself to think completely out of this world. You thought the same, and we thought completely wrong.

Such fools because it was just another 2 years down the drain.

What do I do now? On May 28th? Something we called UniBud day?

Do I say my goodbye? Make this more official? Completely move on with my life?

Though, I think we have already done that?

We’re at the end now. There’s no longer a Big Bud or Little bud. There is no longer any of that unicorn stuff. There’s no UniBud. There is no friendship. We aren’t even acquaintances. We are literally strangers, a town away. Just like all the other unfamiliar faces a town away.

I just wish I had known.

I’m so afraid to say that we are no longer Buds.

I’m so afraid because it is probably true, but I don’t want it to be.

I thought about telling the beginning, but there really isn’t a reason why to tell the beginning, it’s over with. The middle, I guess it doesn’t matter either because regardless if I tell this story, it still has the same ending.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Little things here and there have been hitting me and I’m not sure why. These emotions have pushed me to write about it, but now all I’m thinking about are these decisions.

Do I say goodbye? or leave it how it is?

I do want to say goodbye. I don’t know how, but I do.

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If you don’t know what I am talking about. This is about a dying friendship. Where the beginning is exactly how you think it would be and the end, well, it has come to an end for a reason.

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I’m looking at this writing and I definitely have mixed feelings about what I had written. I am still very afraid of this truth that I believe is true. I just, I don’t want to believe it.

I don’t want it to be true.

I still have that hope in me. This hope that has been somewhat going strong for a good half a year. It feels like this dying hope that never dies.

I know what I want, but I don’t think it is best for me.

I know what I feel, and it is this sadness. I try to tell myself I don’t care, but I don’t think that is working either. I think it hurts a little more when I ignore myself. I think this sadness is also from being a bit shocked.

I still don’t believe that this friendship is where it is now.

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Somewhere up there, I mentioned May 28th and today is June 2nd.

May 28th this year happened to be an amazing day. Yet, I was so afraid for this day to come. I had you in the back of my head, but I had better company physically with me. I had a better view. I had better music right in front of me. I also got a speeding ticket, and forgot everyone’s concert tickets, but that didn’t stop me from being able to enjoy this day.

If this is what the end of our friendship looks like, why am I so afraid of it? Why don’t I want it to be true?

– Joce

 

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